Today, as is our wont, we begin with our first question:
Q. You have a wont?
A. Yes, but we comb our hair such that you cannot see it.
Q. With regards to the old spiritual song, "Gwine Jump
Down, Turn Around, Pick a Bale of Cotton," why is the singer
gwine jump down and turn around first?
A. He is hoping that he gwine pull a hamstring, and
somebody else gwine have to pick the bale of cotton.
Q. I work in Customer Service, and my co-workers and I
are having a big debate about whether we should say that your
call is "very" important to us, or "extremely" important to us.
We argue about this all day long! My question is, how do we stop
these stupid phones from ringing?
A. Someone will answer your question "momentarily."
Q. I am a speechwriter for a leading presidential
candidate, and I need to know which is correct: "integrity OUT
the wazoo," or "integrity UP the wazoo."
A. We checked with both the Oxford English Dictionary and
the Rev. Billy Graham, and they agree that the correct word is
"wazooty."
Q. I have trouble remembering the difference between the
words "whose" and "who's." Should I put this in the form of a
question?
A. In grammatical terminology, "who's" is an
interlocutory contraption that is used to form the culinary
indicative tense.
EXAMPLE: "You will never guess who's brassiere they found
in the gumbo."
"Whose" is the past paramilitary form of "whomsoever" and
is properly used in veterinary interrogations.
EXAMPLE: "Whose gwine spay all them weasels?"
Q. I am a writer for "The Sopranos," and I've been
arguing with one of my colleagues over the correct wording of
some dialogue. I think it should be: "Bleep you, you bleeping
bleeper!" Whereas he insists it should be: "Bleep yourself, you
bleeperbleeper!" So I had him whacked.
A. Now he bleeps with the fishes.
Q. Are you going to flagrantly pad this column with
actual examples of language usage sent in by alert readers, as
is your wont?
A. Of course: